Letting Go: Complaining and the Victim Mentality II

The following is an excerpt from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Some egos, if they cannot get praise or admiration, will settle for other forms of attention and play roles to elicit them. If they cannot get positive attention, they may seek negative attention instead, for example, by provoking a negative reaction in someone else. Some children already do that too. They misbehave to get attention. The playing of negative roles becomes particularly pronounced whenever the ego is magnified by an active pain body, that is to say, emotional pain from the past that wants to renew itself through experiencing more pain. Some egos perpetrate crimes in their search for fame. They seek attention through notoriety and other people’s condemnation. “Please tell me that I exist, that I am not insignificant,” they seem to say. Such pathological forms of ego are only more extreme versions of normal egos.

A very common role is the one of victim, and the form of attention it seeks is sympathy or pity or others’ interest in my problems, “me and my story.” Seeing oneself as a victim is an element in many egoic patterns, such as complaining, being offended, outraged, and so on. Of course, once I am identified with a story in which I assigned myself the role of victim, I don’t want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so to have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.

In the early stages of many so called romantic relationships, role playing is quite common in order to attract and keep whoever is perceived by the ego as the one who is going to “make me happy, make me feel special, and fulfill all my needs.” “I’ll play who you want me to be, and you’ll play who I want you to be.” That’s the unspoken and unconscious agreement. However, role playing is hard work, and so those roles cannot be sustained indefinitely, especially once you start living together. When those roles slip, what do you see? Unfortunately, in most cases, not yet the true essence of that being, but that which overs up the true essence: the raw ego divested of its roles, with its pain body, and its thwarted wanting which now turns into anger, most likely directed at the spouse or partner for having failed to remove the underlying fear and sense of lack that is an intrinsic part of the egoic sense of self.

What is commonly called “falling in love” is in most cases an intensification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever. The Spanish language is the most honest in regard to conventional notions of love: Te quiero means “I want you” as well as “I love you.” The other expression for “I love you,” te amo, which does not have this ambiguity, is rarely used – perhaps because true love is just as rare.

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

Related Articles:

1. Letting Go: Complaining and the Victim Mentality I
2. Letting Go: Being Happy for no Reason
3. Letting Go: Do not worry; How to stop worrying
4. Letting Go: Minimalism and Decluttering Life
5. Letting Go: Fear and Worry vs. Vacation
6. Decisions: The Choices We Make in Life